kimberkit: (Default)
Over the past year or so, I've noticed that either the antidepressant, or just the effect of being happier, is directly correlated with about 20 pounds more weight. That doesn't make me obese. But it does affect my clothing -- clothing that should be tailored, and isn't -- and confidence as an indirect result. I can go to the gym all I want; more muscle mass and better cardiovascular health hasn't touched the pounds. I like the feeling of having done something for my body, but it doesn't touch my waistline.

What would you rather be, honestly? Overweight and taking antidepressants, or trying to figure out how to deal with depression in ways other than with medication?

Seriously. It's easy to say, "of course you should be overweight rather than sad." Very glib. The other glib response is, "you should talk to your doctor about finding another drug." News flash: all SSRIs include a side effect of weight gain, and Zoloft is supposed to be one the of lowest on the list for causing that particular side effect. Plus it would be months more of experimenting with the right drugs and dosages.

I'm signing up for acupuncture clinic next semester, in the hopes that it'll strengthen my defensive qi, and feel more balanced, and perhaps the drugging can be eliminated altogether.
kimberkit: (Default)
I've been having a pretty down day; frightened of the future and feeling some of my recent losses pretty sharply. David was over here, and that helped, a little, but...

... in an attempt to get out of my head and stop...

I wish to share this gem:

Peanut butter kisses. So addictive.
kimberkit: (Default)
Things to keep in mind, if you're ever stuck supporting a person who's having a panic attack: do not attempt to speak rationally -- just distract them and keep up a stream of cheerful babble. I am so grateful for [ profile] choirbean, who did just that for me, after a phone call with my ex sent the spiral of panic further downwards. I could barely hear, and I think this kept me sane.

(The reasons behind the panic attack and the happy ending in the next locked entry.)
kimberkit: (Default)
M told me today that by hiding, as I am, and believing that no one could help me, or that I'd have to exert myself too much to love them back, that I set everyone else around me up to fail when they reached out.

Very well. Guilty. Of course it's shlock to believe that I can't lead a full life simply because I feel like a failure. Life is worth having, all the minor pains aside. It's just so hard right now.
kimberkit: (Default)
Right now, classes are starting everywhere, and I'm nowhere. I'm not a part of anything, because of the job situation and my own inability to do anything.

I'm afraid of everything.

I'm afraid my soul is lost, that I'm damned. I know that people, that friends, and (probably) an organized religion would help me, but I keep hesitating about conversion. (I get angry at the Catholic church's sexual politics and the way that individual bishops have treated gay people; I am frustrated at the seeming stiffness of many Protestant churches, and the Jewish mindset doesn't seem to quite fit.)

So I sit in nothing. Very constructive of me.


kimberkit: (Default)

March 2012

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