Wandering through the woods

Here's one of my big flaws is that I find it very difficult to formally apologize. I can admit I'm wrong. I can say, "I take full responsibility for that. You're right, fine." (Matt calls this the George Bush apology.) The difference between that and a formal "I'm sorry," though, is all in the feelings of the other person -- other people, Matt especially, *demand* to know that I express sympathy for having hurt their feelings, in addition to simply saying that I'll try not to do it again. The ritual phrase, "I'm sorry," carries a lot of significance.

Unfortunately, it tends to make me angry when I'm asked to apologize MORE, after I've perceived that simply saying "I'm wrong, you're right, I'll try to fix it," is enough of an apology. Perhaps that perception comes from the fact that when I was little, no one ever apologized to me in that way, so I assumed that taking responsibility -- without necessarily acknowledging the hurt party's feelings explicitly -- was enough. That's neither here nor there, but, as you can guess, it leads to a lot of stres all around.

As it stands, my instinctive stress response is to an aggressive demand to further apologize is to run away, which leaves the other party furious for having walked off on them. That's bad enough -- but when your boyfriend has the *opposite* kind of stress response, which is to try to press discussion further, (in other words, to turn into a fucking bulldog with something between his teeth) it's doubly bad. It's all downhill from there: I freak out, try to run away faster; he gets stressed out by my freaking out, and pursues harder, which feeds the running away, which feeds his pursuing, which... you get the idea.

Several months later, we now recognize that it's probably better to try to stop the feelings mid-flow, and to simply point out when you're feeling stressed out, which then invites cooperative discussion. Or to ask whether the other person really is attacking. And to attempt as much as possible to not interrupt the other person. 3 basic points that force you to remain in an open mood -- and this sort of thing is NEVER explicitly taught anywhere. I wish it were. I'm actually capable of making a formal apology if it's simply pointed out that feelings remain hurt, or if I don't feel pressured into it -- it's just very hard work for something that doesn't feel natural to me. Then again, in relationships, what isn't?

A thought: living with your beloved for a while is like acquiring a new sense that you didn't know you had -- like suddenly acquiring a sense of smell, when you hadn't had one before. The first few times you come into contact with this startling new thing in your life, you feel the urge to do everything a lot: run around, do lots of activities, make lots of love, lots of talk. And then you sort of settle into this idea that you really do have an extra thing, or an extra sense, and you just pull your load and trust him to do his thing, and enjoy it when that extra sense steps in and helps you run your life.

So I'm sad that Matt's not here anymore, but it's not the profound sense of depression that I would've had a few months ago; it's just a feeling of "huh. Well, back to the same few senses I was using before, and I'll live, but it does feel profoundly odd to be missing this extra integral sense I was using before..."

I am now going back through my archives and tagging every entry, so it'll all be sortable.

( A list of Kim's LJ tag categories )

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Meanwhile, just to add some padding to the "happy" tag, I just thought I'd share something really sweet Matt said to me: "you're always so fascinating -- you continuously look for other perspectives. You're the most open-minded and tolerant person I know. And you've done just about the fastest 'growing up' that I've ever seen."

Isn't he sweet?

K: Where's the most beautiful place you've ever been?
M: Mmm... I've been to a lot of beautiful places. Mountains in France... Tahiti...
K: Tahiti has pretty girls
M: Yeah, nice knockers
K: Yeah
M: Anyway. I think... Williams had its own peculiar beauty, too.
K: I used to jump up and down when I saw the mountains. I loved it there.
M: I'm glad.
K: Thank you, love. I think maybe Italy's the most beautiful place I've been -- Rome, with the statues, and Florence, with its warm people and old paper and duomo.
M: One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen is you in my bed, when you were lying there in my arms.


And he meant it.

Phone call:

Me: waaaaah
Him: Have you tried a nap?
Me: yes
Him: Ah. Then you need an outlet. How about exercising? 3-5 times a week.
Me: I hate it when you're right. Why are you always right?
Him: I'm not always right, but I went through the same thing last summer, and my life is much better with exercise. So go to it. And I'm going to take a nap now.
Me: Gah. Thank you.

So, posted 45 minutes later... yep. He was right. I ran and ran, up the hills, up the stairs, then down again. I did it just for me. My arms are chilled, my cheeks are flushed, and I'm happy.

I do have a stitch in my side -- suggestions for stretches so that that doesn't happen?