Wandering through the woods

paper_crystals was awesome, and cooked up some Thai-style chicken on Saturday, which made life feel much calmer, somehow, despite the fact that I am clearly getting sick with some sort of cold.

Also, Cornell confirmed that I have carpet beetles, not bed bugs, so I can slowly start having friends over again without being terrified I'll give them the same plague I have.

Happy with all that, I finally took a few photos yesterday on the High Line:



( two more )

The toilet started flooding all over the place today, and they needed to order a new part. It wasn't a promising start to the day.

But then Neil came home, and we took a walk, and I got lost in the shifting fields of color in the river and the sky.

Finals are upcoming and Kim is stressed, but Neil took Kim to see Vienna Teng tonight, and she made me misty eyed. And she signed my CD cover! squeal!

Neil now has the same cold/flu thing that I came down with last night, we think. We're both sort of delirious, tho I think mine is 'cause of DayQuil, which is strong stuff. (Like, no, really...)

Anyway, in delirium, this is the kind of thing we find funny:

Neil: [drops toothpaste tube into the toilet while attempting to brush his teeth]
Me: I'll pretend that's just 'cause you're sick and not just klutzy?
Neil: I'm slutzy!

I'm happy. I mean, stressed out, too -- I freaked out tonight over the idea of filling out my FAFSA forms, and Neil helped me through filling those out (mostly by sitting and actually doing all the work) -- but I know that tonight was so much easier than it ever has been. Neil took me for a walk after, and we had chocolate ice cream, and he was so sweet...

... and we watched the Simpsons and seeing Neil grin makes me feel like the entire world is full of light.

Whew, well... I committed to the Swedish Institute today. Yikes. The thought of committing that much money and time scares me a lot, but I think... I think I'll be happy as a massage therapist, even though the work will be hard.

Meanwhile, my main computer died again, which annoys me, since I just got it repaired; and I'll prolly just give up and be out of touch for a few days.

The store attempted to ask whether I'd take a paycut; I politely refused, and so, just in case they try to hardball it, I'll need a replacement venue. Which really means that Kim really needs to be compiling lists of potential students and sending out mailings pimping herself as a tutor. I could try to sell myself as a web designer, but I'm afraid that that sort of work would be more uneven, and I'm not even really sure about how to get the marketing started there.

Um. So that's the bad news. But in good news, I Craigslisted my old microwave, and some nice lady will be picking it up from me and donating it to her students. I got 2 boxes of books packed (yay!), I'm hoping to pack more, and sir_graeme generously offered to help move some of Neil's belongings in on Monday/Tuesday.

I feel like I'm scared and stressed, but hanging in there. And I know that (despite not having my parents' emotional support) I do have Neil. And Neil helps me to believe that everything's going to be fine. Just having someone to cry on when all the stress builds up helps enormously.

I am grateful every day that Neil is there to lend his incredible sense of acceptance and understanding and plain joy in being alive to me.

I had a lovely day today. Originally, I was supposed to see sir_graeme for brunch, but we both wimped out, after seeing the torrents of snow come cascading down on the city -- and then Debbie, a high school friend of mine, called, and suggested us taking photos together.

So I trudged out into the blizzard, and we talked and froze and ate at a diner and then I took a bunch more photos. And then we watched Buffy episodes and talked some more, and I babbled about Neil, and she said, "he sounds rare." That made me beam with happiness. Because he is so very rare. I'm so looking forward to him moving in!

Anyway, there were one or two more photos on the way home, and a crisp night slushing on virtually emptied streets. My bones hurt, but I'm happy. And I'll show y'all some of the photos as soon as I figure out how to convert the RAW files -- I'm gonna be dangerous once I get to really work with RAW format (it's like the equivalent of having a negative and being able to play with shadows/contrast/light, far better than you can with JPG files.)

Edit: but there might not be that many photos, since I now realize that taking photos while snow is still falling makes the city look like it has dandruff...

nadyezhda asked how I was, which totally made my day. Thank you =) Friends are such lovely things to have, and I know I haven't been completely present for some of you, so I'm really grateful y'all are still around.

Here's the update:

I still feel guilty over breaking up with Matt. He haunts me. Yesterday, I heard Jesse's voice in my head: "you broke my dreams." I hear the voice of heartbreak, and it's incredibly hard to not want to somehow make amends by being miserable along with every other sad person. But...

In positive news, though, I went to a shiatsu massage yesterday that was sooooooooo awesome. Shiatsu is eastern, so you get a lot of talking about balance in your life - and when my (drop dead gorgeous) massage therapist ran her fingers along my arm (PC meridian), she said "hmm... social life troubled. Broke up with a boyfriend?" "yeah - depression and guilt." Which I thought was totally amazing. I mean, the idea that your body can give away that much, and can be healed in the moment of touch, is something that is almost orgasmically cool. And I want to do this as a career.

Mom, of course, says, "that's the stupidest idea you've ever come up with," and wants me to be doing something more intellectual -- read: medical school.

But she's helping me in my search for finding random publishing/HR positions that I'd be qualified for, since I've effectively turned my back on my teaching degree, and she's helping me out financially for paying for massage school, so I can't really complain. How many people really don't have to worry about starvation, after all, and are lucky enough to be able to consider a career in helping others?

Meanwhile, I'm very in love with Neil, and he wants to move to New York as soon as he finds a job here. And I want him here, in my life, every day.

I feel very blessed.