Boring people

In a conversation last week, talking with a friend, he mentioned that he thought that people were attracted to instability and drama. I thought about that, and -- he's right, there is that charm to the instable person. There's something to the energy of a person who honestly reveals their weaknesses; and perhaps there's some ego-flattering going on, when you're drawn into the melodramatic person's inner thoughts. There's something about proving yourself, helping someone else out, too. I've been pulled into that before.

I've also been the person who was screwed up in the head, who pulled in people and dragged them down with her, who took and took and didn't even bother to say thank you. And to be honest, I had a lot -- too many -- people who loved me much more than I was worth, then. (I think I'm better these days, preserving the instinct to be honest about my weaknesses, but hopefully I'm more reliable than I was in college.)

My friend is also probably correct in saying that there isn't the same instant attraction to the boring, to the stable people. "Boring" people: people who put a lot more work into maintaining a routine, into knowing themselves, into staying nice to people when the world is full of assholes. I think there's something else going on here, though -- it's not the same attraction, but it's an attraction nonetheless.

Like tends to draw like. Stable people tend to draw other stable people -- there are three Williams couples getting married this summer, and clearly they all had their priorities straight when looking for love. And they're all genuinely nice people, who're "boring."

(Here, the ghosts of Matt and of Lil mutter, "the only consistent factor in your unhappy relationships is you." Nobody is doomed to loneliness unless they choose to be.)

Instability, similarly, draws out our instabilities. Obviously, our negative & instable emotions are more overwhelming and in some ways more immediate than our better emotions; hence the instant attraction. But I think stable people also inspire a kind of quietness and peace that's really attractive, too; it may not be immediately recognized as romantic interest, but I know that I, for one, am drawn by stable people. (I'm vowing no more high-strung artistic types anymore. I swear.) It's not a privilege, after all, to have to put in the hard work of helping someone else drag themselves out a rut. To watch helplessly when they don't take their own initiative to fix themselves. (I can't imagine ginnunggap's patience and grit, and those of my other dear friends, to have stuck by anyway.)

It's a pleasure to be around "boring" people.

Public service message: "nice" does not mean "non-assertive"

Talking to addienfaemne today, I bitched about the argument I often hear from certain of my male friends: "nice guys finish last." Here's what Jessica and I both agree on: that statement just isn't true. Sorry to cut the pity-party short. What is true is that non-assertive guys finish last. Just like non-assertive people in general finish last - take my word on it. I can be a really, really non-assertive person, and it mostly got me trampled in the corporate world -- and at work this year, for a more recent example :P

For some reason, we're trained to think that we should always wait on hearing what other people have to say first. It's not the same thing as being nice, though. There are plenty of nice ways to ask permission, but to remain assertive. It's historically been fine when I've asked guys on dates, and made the first move. I've had boys say "no" to me, and that was okay. It wasn't like my world ended, or anything. It's also historically been fine when I asked why, and generally I got a nice answer.

My beloved & I had hashed this same conversation about "niceness" over, a while back, and he mentioned that, in general, men are trained to not push, given that rape-awareness and sexual harassment training is sometimes used as a political tool to bludgeon men. I have some sympathy for this stance, because I can see how those who internalize this training get screwed. It's unfortunate that society's trained people like this.

But in the end, it's still not an excuse to not stand up for yourself when you want something. You are the only one who can lose, like this.

So, to recap: next time you're feeling sorry for yourself about being "too nice," remember that the worst thing someone can say to you is "no," and it's not that bad.

Taggity goodness

I am now going back through my archives and tagging every entry, so it'll all be sortable.

( A list of Kim's LJ tag categories )

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Meanwhile, just to add some padding to the "happy" tag, I just thought I'd share something really sweet Matt said to me: "you're always so fascinating -- you continuously look for other perspectives. You're the most open-minded and tolerant person I know. And you've done just about the fastest 'growing up' that I've ever seen."

Isn't he sweet?

Stalker

I am a total cyberstalker. It's embarassing, and done mostly out of desire to avoid my homework, but dude, I just read through at least three friends' entire livejournal archives. I know that there are other stalkers out there (and I encourage stalking of *me*) - but yeah, I'm a stalker.