Public service message: "nice" does not mean "non-assertive"

[kimberkit]

Talking to addienfaemne today, I bitched about the argument I often hear from certain of my male friends: "nice guys finish last." Here's what Jessica and I both agree on: that statement just isn't true. Sorry to cut the pity-party short. What is true is that non-assertive guys finish last. Just like non-assertive people in general finish last - take my word on it. I can be a really, really non-assertive person, and it mostly got me trampled in the corporate world -- and at work this year, for a more recent example :P

For some reason, we're trained to think that we should always wait on hearing what other people have to say first. It's not the same thing as being nice, though. There are plenty of nice ways to ask permission, but to remain assertive. It's historically been fine when I've asked guys on dates, and made the first move. I've had boys say "no" to me, and that was okay. It wasn't like my world ended, or anything. It's also historically been fine when I asked why, and generally I got a nice answer.

My beloved & I had hashed this same conversation about "niceness" over, a while back, and he mentioned that, in general, men are trained to not push, given that rape-awareness and sexual harassment training is sometimes used as a political tool to bludgeon men. I have some sympathy for this stance, because I can see how those who internalize this training get screwed. It's unfortunate that society's trained people like this.

But in the end, it's still not an excuse to not stand up for yourself when you want something. You are the only one who can lose, like this.

So, to recap: next time you're feeling sorry for yourself about being "too nice," remember that the worst thing someone can say to you is "no," and it's not that bad.

Comments

[dominika-kretek.livejournal.com]

The other day I was stand-reading this book about how to be assertive and deal with difficult and awful people without becoming a jerk yourself. It was pretty awesome, because it showed that you don't always have to fight fire with fire in those cases. There are all kinds of ways you can push back on people without losing your soul, and all kinds of ways you can grant concessions without losing your self. But it's wicked hard to learn those things, for some reason.