Whatever. Hormones.

[kimberkit]

Period got here, and I've been sliding backwards into depression and rage again.

A college acquaintance asked what I was doing for a job, and when I mentioned that I was going to be screwed for money and have to ask for help from parents, she said, "yeah, but leaning on parents isn't ideal." Thanks a lot, Sherlock. Fuck you.

I'm also convinced no one is fucking reading this thing, so why the hell not make it public? I can't convince myself to get out of bed. After M called and cajoled me out of bed, he ordered me to go do 50 pushups/situps along with the exercise. Thanks for setting impossible goals. I know he cares, but EVERYTHING feels so damn pointless and far away.

He's about the only person in my life other than maybe my parents who gives a damn, and I'd like to proclaim that he loves some illusion. He's also my only friend. The rest of the people in my life are on their way out, doing something else.

Went down to the gym, started exercising, and blew up in rage at the stupid country music playing on the loudspeakers. No way to turn them off. Fuck it all.

Comments

[geeveecatullus.livejournal.com]

I am reading!

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

First prize to the fastest response. Whew. Thank you :)

[icetulip.livejournal.com]

Wish I could have seen you while in NYC....

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

Sorry, dear :/ Me too, in hindsight.

[yoda4554.livejournal.com]

Relax, dear. I'm fairly confident that a number of folk are, indeed, reading this. Love you; talk to me next time I'm on AIM.

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

I love you, too -- you're the sweetest guy ever :) And again, apologies for blowing up at everyone...

[shellaby.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[renaissancekat.livejournal.com]

I don't post much, but I'm reading. Take deep breaths. Hormones are passing. You'll feel better soon.

*hugs*

[mansikka.livejournal.com]

I'm reading. Although we don't exchange too much anymore, I still think of you as my friend. Hang in there. *hug*

[osirusbrisbane.livejournal.com]

Here, have a damn:

DAMN!


I hereby give it to you, a reminder that there are numerous other people who do give one for you. Even if some of them are woefully bad at keeping in touch aside from lurking and reading the blogs.

Sometimes I think everything *is* pointless, but there's a freedom in that if you spin it right; life is invested with whatever meaning we assign it, and there's no magical invisible standard you should beat yourself up for not reaching, because all that matters is making yourself happy (albeit an enlightened hedonism, which means this happiness can be complex and not just id).

Of course, the lack of magical invisible standard isn't compatible with religious beliefs, but if you believe in god and religion and so forth, then at least you can take solace in the fact that everything isn't pointless.

[ppaladin.livejournal.com]

Seconded! Although I may be at times too silent, I do care, (and read) about you.

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

You are so awesome :) Thanks, Seth. I think I'll try to adopt this philosophy of enlightened hedonism...

Remember me?

[amocantare.livejournal.com]

I always read. I hope you feel better. Sometimes wallowing and hot showers and hot water bottles and entertainingly-shaped pieces of chocolate can be better than anything, and I really don't think you should feel guilty just for wanting to be in bed a little while.

Re: Remember me?

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

Wow. Hi emily! I don't think we've ever actually met... but I hear from Dave that you have a lovely voice, and I always like your entries.

[shellaby.livejournal.com]

hug! drink some tea.

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

Teadrunk, I then went out for photos. Good advice, shelley =)

one more reader

[site4gnome.livejournal.com]

hi hon. Kelley dragged me into this corner of the world, so I'm starting to try and figure out who is out there. Chalk me up as another who gives a damn.

Re: one more reader

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Bill

[lostsilmaril.livejournal.com]

I hereby offer solidarity in issues including parent-leaning-on. And banging Sherlock. Very helpful.

We're reading. We're just not always overly talkative. I wonder the same thing, sometimes--but almost every time I run into people in RL I know here, they've been reading. (Well, the people I remotely care about, anyway. Friends do, and some, but not all, aquaintances do.)

Xander Harris said once, after being shot down for a date, "I'm going to go home, lie down, and listen to country music: the music of pain." There is wisdom in Buffy.

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

*amused* Sherlock banging! Hah, that should be a phrase.

[sir-graeme.livejournal.com]

I read, always.
I care.
I totally empathize with much of what you write, including this.
I truly apologize for not showing it enough.

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

It's not your fault *hug* Dinner the other day was awesome. Thank you :)

[simonbillenness.livejournal.com]

Hey! I read you too!

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

I know :) I forgot about that, somehow... thank you for still being there.

[(Anonymous)]

Gee, I tried to post to the previous depressed post, but it didn't work. Maybe it will this time.

I really care about you and worry about you. Depression naturally means you don't see a way out, and being without a visible means of support sucks. Depending on parents feels infantilizing, but it is "permitted" for a while when necessary.

You are so smart and telented. I wish you knew it.

Last week I said to my therapist that sometimes I think the only thing I am good at is procrastinating, and he just said "You know that is not true." He also said other useful stuff, but this is not my LJ.

love
Jeff

[kimberkit.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear :) And I like the remark from the therapist.