Commitment
Nov. 13th, 2008 09:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kimberkitYesterday, I talked with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
entropicangel about commitment, after a conversation with pallasathene82 on the same topic. They are pretty much in agreement; commitment, in a relationship, is about expecting to grow together as a couple.
I blinked at this steady-eyed assessment, and snarkily commented that some people can't even be expected to "commit" to growing up as part of their daily lives; I could point to some people I dated that couldn't be bothered facing a fear of hot water, or who lived in Vermont and couldn't be bothered to go more than 30 miles away from it to go to college in Williamstown. Not that I'm naming names, of course.
To this, Neil gave me The Look. The Look translated to: "Then really, why did you date them?"
I conceded the point. When you're picking people to date -- no matter how important it is to love people as they are and accept their limitations and flaws -- it is much better for one's mental health if one dates grownups, not people who are in some way afraid to face life. People grow at their own pace, and if your significant other is still coping with much more basic fears/limitations, you're going to be stuck babysitting them when you really should be focusing on your own growth. And honestly, when you're stuck there, everyone's time gets wasted -- for the person whose growth is a little slower, they would almost certainly be learning life lessons faster if they were forced to by the bigger prods of loneliness and desperation; for the person who is stuck trying to jog someone else's growth along, they're engaging in a Sisyphusian task, and almost certainly compromising themselves somehow to do it.
entropicangel about commitment, after a conversation with pallasathene82 on the same topic. They are pretty much in agreement; commitment, in a relationship, is about expecting to grow together as a couple.I blinked at this steady-eyed assessment, and snarkily commented that some people can't even be expected to "commit" to growing up as part of their daily lives; I could point to some people I dated that couldn't be bothered facing a fear of hot water, or who lived in Vermont and couldn't be bothered to go more than 30 miles away from it to go to college in Williamstown. Not that I'm naming names, of course.
To this, Neil gave me The Look. The Look translated to: "Then really, why did you date them?"
I conceded the point. When you're picking people to date -- no matter how important it is to love people as they are and accept their limitations and flaws -- it is much better for one's mental health if one dates grownups, not people who are in some way afraid to face life. People grow at their own pace, and if your significant other is still coping with much more basic fears/limitations, you're going to be stuck babysitting them when you really should be focusing on your own growth. And honestly, when you're stuck there, everyone's time gets wasted -- for the person whose growth is a little slower, they would almost certainly be learning life lessons faster if they were forced to by the bigger prods of loneliness and desperation; for the person who is stuck trying to jog someone else's growth along, they're engaging in a Sisyphusian task, and almost certainly compromising themselves somehow to do it.
