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On apologies
Oct. 4th, 2005 04:08 pmHere's one of my big flaws is that I find it very difficult to formally apologize. I can admit I'm wrong. I can say, "I take full responsibility for that. You're right, fine." (Matt calls this the George Bush apology.) The difference between that and a formal "I'm sorry," though, is all in the feelings of the other person -- other people, Matt especially, *demand* to know that I express sympathy for having hurt their feelings, in addition to simply saying that I'll try not to do it again. The ritual phrase, "I'm sorry," carries a lot of significance.
Unfortunately, it tends to make me angry when I'm asked to apologize MORE, after I've perceived that simply saying "I'm wrong, you're right, I'll try to fix it," is enough of an apology. Perhaps that perception comes from the fact that when I was little, no one ever apologized to me in that way, so I assumed that taking responsibility -- without necessarily acknowledging the hurt party's feelings explicitly -- was enough. That's neither here nor there, but, as you can guess, it leads to a lot of stres all around.
As it stands, my instinctive stress response is to an aggressive demand to further apologize is to run away, which leaves the other party furious for having walked off on them. That's bad enough -- but when your boyfriend has the *opposite* kind of stress response, which is to try to press discussion further, (in other words, to turn into a fucking bulldog with something between his teeth) it's doubly bad. It's all downhill from there: I freak out, try to run away faster; he gets stressed out by my freaking out, and pursues harder, which feeds the running away, which feeds his pursuing, which... you get the idea.
Several months later, we now recognize that it's probably better to try to stop the feelings mid-flow, and to simply point out when you're feeling stressed out, which then invites cooperative discussion. Or to ask whether the other person really is attacking. And to attempt as much as possible to not interrupt the other person. 3 basic points that force you to remain in an open mood -- and this sort of thing is NEVER explicitly taught anywhere. I wish it were. I'm actually capable of making a formal apology if it's simply pointed out that feelings remain hurt, or if I don't feel pressured into it -- it's just very hard work for something that doesn't feel natural to me. Then again, in relationships, what isn't?
Unfortunately, it tends to make me angry when I'm asked to apologize MORE, after I've perceived that simply saying "I'm wrong, you're right, I'll try to fix it," is enough of an apology. Perhaps that perception comes from the fact that when I was little, no one ever apologized to me in that way, so I assumed that taking responsibility -- without necessarily acknowledging the hurt party's feelings explicitly -- was enough. That's neither here nor there, but, as you can guess, it leads to a lot of stres all around.
As it stands, my instinctive stress response is to an aggressive demand to further apologize is to run away, which leaves the other party furious for having walked off on them. That's bad enough -- but when your boyfriend has the *opposite* kind of stress response, which is to try to press discussion further, (in other words, to turn into a fucking bulldog with something between his teeth) it's doubly bad. It's all downhill from there: I freak out, try to run away faster; he gets stressed out by my freaking out, and pursues harder, which feeds the running away, which feeds his pursuing, which... you get the idea.
Several months later, we now recognize that it's probably better to try to stop the feelings mid-flow, and to simply point out when you're feeling stressed out, which then invites cooperative discussion. Or to ask whether the other person really is attacking. And to attempt as much as possible to not interrupt the other person. 3 basic points that force you to remain in an open mood -- and this sort of thing is NEVER explicitly taught anywhere. I wish it were. I'm actually capable of making a formal apology if it's simply pointed out that feelings remain hurt, or if I don't feel pressured into it -- it's just very hard work for something that doesn't feel natural to me. Then again, in relationships, what isn't?
