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"If all you do is untwist patterns and follow their energies, without isotonics and without strengthening the new ways to move, they change for a little while, but it's not likely to stick. As a psychologist, that's like teaching clients to constantly cathart, without addressing how to move beyond catharsis." -Luann Overmyer

She's right. And I do want to make changes to last. Structures should stay stable. But I think that'll be so much easier to do as a physical therapist than as a massage therapist, where people are coming in for different purposes, for rehab rather than relaxation. And that's why it's worth going through hell to go for another degree...
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Some shots of the shawl of doom that I finished last weekend:

Winging backwards

It's so blue! I heart it so. )
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Because [ profile] shellaby claims that after 4 years at Williams and a bajillion years at Harvard after that, she no longer reads "words" and just looks at photos, I have decided to summarize Boston with some representative pictures stolen from people on Flickr.

This is like Kim BEFORE Boston:

This is like Kim AFTER Boston:

Or something like that. Maybe like this. Yay!

Boston, ho!

Jun. 6th, 2010 11:35 pm
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I'd like to try to break myself out of the habit of assuming that I'm not welcome in my friends' lives when I'm sad -- especially because I have so many awesome friends who I know are happy to see me, whether the times are good or whether they're bad.

Anyway, so I'm going to try to do that. This upcoming weekend (the 11th-13th), I'm going over to Boston. [ profile] ppaladdin and [ profile] shellaby are graciously offering hosting. If I haven't been in touch and you'd like to see me, please shoot me an email.

[ profile] drlynch, I am really sorry I was such a giant flake and spent most of today in a sobby bad mood because of little things :P I plan to bus over to see you over on the other side of the state if you have time.
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"Be patient with yourself," the kinder of my friends tell me, when I wake up with the millionth sad dream and start asking for distractions and hugs.

The thing is, it takes effort to be patient. If nothing else, it's hard to recognize that for all of the ways that you integrated someone or something into your life -- building a habit -- it's always much worse breaking a habit. That's just at the behavioral level.

At the emotional level, it's exhausting, constantly monitoring your thoughts for a slip and implementing the "exercise and go change the pace" regimen.

We have a set amount of energy to start the day with. I was reading this article on self-monitoring, and how it's a finite resource. Changing things about yourself is hard because self-monitoring -- tracking your emotions and dealing with them in a healthy way -- takes energy, and we only have so much of it.

I know I sometimes say that it's not worth "wasting" energy on futile dreams that all of my logic says really don't stack up properly. But that's not the way emotions really work -- we fall into habits for our dreams, for who we love and what we love. We can't (realistically) unwalk our emotions without paying some sort of price for it; closeted emotions boil over in other ways.

So when I say silly things like, "it's not worth the emotional energy to deal with this," that's not what I mean. What I mean is, "I do not know how to deal with this/ I don't have the resources to monitor myself right now." Because it takes just as much emotional energy to not deal with something.

I think that most of the time, when dealing with healing broken dreams, we manage to get things down to a nice, calm 10% of what they were by re-working new emotional tracks -- by doing new things. And it takes emotional energy to form all of those new tracks. (Though sometimes seeing friends and doing things temporarily gives me a boost of additional energy to do all that).

That's why people say healing is a slow process -- that's why you can't just "get over it" or "roll with the punches." It's because emotions and habits are one-way streets that you can't just undo, and it takes an incredible amount of energy to carve new dreams and habits on top of them. Being patient with yourself is not a passive thing. It is far more active than having fallen in love in the first place.
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Things I failed to take into consideration when I decided I wanted to do a shawl in sock yarn: it takes not a little more knitting with sock yarn, but much more knitting to get things to the same size as with a thicker yarn.

The math )

Having considered the math (way too late...), it appears that I'm doing at least twice the knitting this time around. Oops. Lesson learned: avoid doing shawls in sock yarn unless you enjoy being Taken to Math Skool by your knitting.


May. 25th, 2010 05:43 pm
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I'm done! I think I did well! I love everyone :) In that exhausted sort of way.

Now, to solemnly bring my towel (in honor of Towel Day) down to the grocery store, studiously ignore the "you are insane" looks, shop for stir-fry ingredients, and snuggle with [ profile] cayenne and [ profile] microhylidae.

I leave you with this thought: wouldn't life be better if we all had more silliness in it? Also, cookies. Or cupcakes. Those are good too.
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Neil and I just threw a good half of (mostly) my hardcover books into boxes to donate. I have some hardcovers for Laurell K. Hamilton, just about everything by Jodi Picoult, a bundle of anthologies, some Jackie Kessler, and loads more. If you're interested, please let me give it to you.


May. 12th, 2010 01:09 am
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Luann Overmyer's Ortho-bionomy: A Path to Self-Care book is really exciting. It is clear; it covers practically every part of the human body; and her story is incredible. She was dead when she got to the hospital after her accident, and had to relearn how to be in her body all over again. (You can read the story in her preface, on Google Books). This is pretty shocking, if you think about it -- when do you really get a chance to stop thinking about "why" we're here, and just focus on "how"? To really be in your body?

Anyway, I am also pretty psyched about taking her class in June -- she has two, one on carpal tunnel and the other on pelvic stabilization, and I'm not sure I can swing both financially, but ... I WANT. Seriously. This is what learning really should be about -- getting excited over things you can apply and genuinely see the world with new eyes with. "School" kinda sucks right now, but this is pretty cool.
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Difficult Conversations is an amazing book on how to have hard conversations. It taught me a lot about how I get in my own way sometimes, and about some of my assumptions.

Favorite lessons learned )


Apr. 24th, 2010 11:28 pm
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The light yesterday was particularly pretty.

Blue and red

2 more )
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Because it is almost the end of poetry month, a poem by Taylor Mali:

Falling in Love Is Like Owning a Dog )

Thanks for introducing me to him, [ profile] osirusbrisbane :)

ETA: Taylor is also reading at Bluestockings (172 Allen Street) on Thursday the 29th, if anyone else wants to come!
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I did manage to drag myself off my deathbed, and took [ profile] microhylidae to the concert with me, where we met with [ profile] pallasathene82. The music was lovely, just like it always is, and the venue was a really nice, intimate space with excellent acoustics.

I cried over Harbor (MP3 link), and [ profile] microhylidae patiently hugged me while I sniffled.

Photos from the concert )
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Yes, I am one of those people on the internet that takes photos of their pets all the time.

The fuzzy one
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Holy cow. The world is wonderful. I complained that I was sick, and I almost instantly got virtual company (and later, [ profile] microhylidae in person), the spontaneous company of the ever-kind [ profile] sir_graeme and [ profile] haezle yesterday, and amusing links this morning:

Plus Suz just emailed to say that Vienna Teng is performing tonight for free at Rockwood, because of the being stranded by a second volcano erupting.

And it may be worth dragging myself out of my deathbed to go see Vienna, even.

ETA: [ profile] ultiville dryly suggested that perhaps Plan A, before putting cart in front of horse, should be not being on my deathbed in the first place. "Get enough fluids and rest before you decide." He is backed up by just about everyone else. Truth: if everyone else thinks you just rolled a 1 for common sense, that's probably what just happened.
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Does the idea of transactive memory mean that people who have more intimate ties with others increase their memory capacity? Could working closely with or being more positively-emotionally-entangled with others actually improve your memory?
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  • [ profile] adularia introduced me (several months ago) to Google SMS -- you can text "466453" (Google) with address queries, directions, weather, and just about anything else. It's often faster than running an app on a smartphone. (And it's free, unlike 411). In short, it rocks. Also, my friend Jen just about knocked me off my feet in a hug for passing on the tip (as we were hunting for a lunch place).

  • Mediterranean Schwarma, in Greenpoint, which is where Jen and I settled on, has the best baba ghanoush ever. I don't even like eggplant and I think it's incredible stuff.

  • I was singing along with the chorus to Moxy Fruvous' "King of Spain" while I was waiting for the train. It was a relatively deserted platform. Then I heard someone hum along, and I was so startled at not being alone in my own head that I felt my ears turn scarlet (before recovering myself enough to laugh at the fellow in the Falconridge tshirt and sandals). Apparently you're never as alone in the city as you think you are. I like these random moments of connection.

  • Finally, there was a man on the street with a largeish looking handbag. As I walked past him, a fluffy doggy head and paws popped out. The man promptly tried to put the paws of the dog back in. The dog's eyes went wide and it pushed stubbornly back up against the man's hand. The man won, and the auburn fluffiness retreated from view for a while. I stopped walking, turned to see who got the last word, and sure enough, a few seconds later, the doggy head stuck out again, his tongue out in a hilariously smug dog grin.


Apr. 12th, 2010 05:39 pm
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[ profile] readysetg0 is amazing and her new tumblr blog made me smile. But I really liked this picture:

She subtitled it, "Come let us have tea and talk about happy things." -Chaim Potok


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